Tuesday, December 7, 2010


ONE WHOLE YEAR AGO, I was blessed to be a part of making someone's dreams of being parents come true. As I spent the second day of my two day road trip to Irvine, California (not far from where this journey began), I reflected long and hard on this special day.
The journey has been tough and I am still working on finding my new balance, but the joy and love and pride of the process glows brilliantly in my heart. One year ago, I very difficultly gave birth to a baby that I wasn't ready to birth and let go of. The dynamics of the surrogacy were larger than I could have ever know. But the process of learning and growth that I have been blessed with as a result are priceless. I will never be the same and for this, I am glad.

For the last few weeks, I have been consumed with building a balance in my mind and spirt and it has been working! As I drove for 15 hours, I cried, prayed and sang my heart out, all in love and worship of an amazing God who is guiding my life. It feels amazing to feel good and happy. To feel the joy in my heart and know that life is not only worth living, but an amazing gift to be cherished and embraced.

Today, I chose to let myself remember that the pregnancy and birth and obviously, the letting go was hard. But, more than that, I allowed myself to Meditate on the beauty of it all. It changed me and moulded me more into the woman that I am destined to be. 

Happy birthday to my sweet Mika and much love for that sweetest of Decembers, that I will never forget  <3

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Hitting bottom is sometimes a relief

There is peace in honesty, I find. I now feel like I have surrendered and quit hiding from the reality of my state of being and can leg go to move on. In combination with the supplements that I am taking, I have pampered myself in multiple ways. The respect towards myself has also grown, which allows me to lighten up about my expectations of myself. For me, this means that I am not forcing myself to do so much in a day and if certain  things don't get done, so be it. right now, I feel like I need to make ME a priority and just find balance and health between the ears and heart. Just as if I had broken a limb, I wouldn't want to stress it, but give it time to heal, I must also respect the time that this will take.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The other side of bliss (warning: it's not pretty)

I can almost feel it: the cold rain on my cheeks as I sit perched, wrapped in the warm bath, my face resting on the sill just inches from the elements. With no screen to separate me, I can smell the rain and almost feel the jostle of the leaves as it softly beats down to the ground. Like a cleansing shower. I breathe in and feel the presence of God wrapping me in his sweet arms, as a lonely companion in my despair, reminding me that like the rain, this too will pass.

But, will it? Really? Eleven months after the birth of the fifth baby to come from my body, I feel that I am no longer sure who I am and WHAT is next. It's as if my body, my mind, and my spirit are exhausted from the toil of pressing on and I just don't care and more. I don't care about anything....

And here I sit, soaking in my tub wondering where the woman that I thought I was has gone to. My hands grapple and search for a switch to flip the light that will reveal the 'real' me. And it's not there.... it's nowhere.......

God, I pray and plead, bring me comfort! My soul aches and my heart is no more! I know that you are my very real and present God who leads me, but there is nothing left..... It is too much and I am crushed. It's life......This life that you have given me to live........forgive me that I am ungrateful, but it is coming to be the death of me........ Yes, I daily wake and thank you for my blessings and lie down at night, recounting the same. But it is empty and hollow. The only Real that I know is that you are my God and I am yours......you are my father and I need you now........I need your work and your strength to fill me because the struggles have crushed me to the ground. You say that you do not give more than I can bare, but my God, I think you mis-judge!.....SURELY, I am NOT so strong.......... I need you now.

My tears and prayers pour down my cheeks mimicking the outside rain so close to me now.  It's as if I am losing my mind, but yet, it is within reach. I know that I am not right and that I can be. But, how? As I surendure fully and know that I must, I can hear the term; 'postpartum depression' ring in my ears. This disgusting thing that I have avoided speaking for so long is taunting me now as I must wave the white flag. When I look back and try to guess when it began, honestly, it must have been a very real imbalance during the pregnancy that was so tough. I have struggled for so long to accept my decision to be a surrogate in spite of the traumatic affect that the drugs and pregnancy had on my body.....in spite of the traumatic affect that carrying someone else's baby was......in spite of the fact that birthing a baby that I was not emotionally prepared to birth had on my body......in spite of the grueling pain that letting her go was.........and the real healing: it has not come........

As I sit here swirling in a tiny cocoon of warmpth, right in the very bath that this baby was born, I feel only joy and love toward her and her parents. The gift of surrogacy is something that I would be a part of over and over if only I had the strength. It was the most purest of sacrifice and love; a true beauty.

Adding very real life stressors on top of an already turbulent process can bring a catechism of storms.... just as a strech-mark can be a very tangible physical side affect, so too can the hormones and psyche be scared by even the most perfect of circumstance, especially when coupled with other stress. There is no pregnancy immune from postpartum depression......and this is where I am currently sitting; filling my mouth with vitamins and herbs that are said to balance, forcing myself into fresh air and activity, forcing indulgences that USED to bring me joy, all in the hopes of turning the mental, hormonal and chemical weather in my life around.

Stepping out of the comfort of my bath, I can know that I truly AM blessed in my life. I can run to the waiting arms of my husband and loving arms of my ever-present God.......but when will I FEEL this all in my heart?..........we will see.........

Saturday, October 9, 2010

It has been a long time

Although it has been ten months now since I gave birth to my surrogate baby, yesterday, I was there again. In full form and glory. Feeling the intensity of the joy, the pain and all of the fullness of what my journey through surrogacy was.

I am honored to have been asked to be doula to my friend and first time surrogate recently. Her IPs are from Seattle and have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of their baby girl. Although they didn't have to wait as long as expected.........the baby's waters broke at 34 weeks. My friend called me and I eagerly dropped my life and went to her side, giving everything I had to be what they all might need. This is something that I do love to do, but man, it is hard. Physically, I mean. Not only did I leave my four children alone for a long time, but standing on my feet 75% of the time and being up all night (actually, 32 hours) was obviously draining.

Where the REAL stress came in was when it triggered my deeper conscious who remembers so intently of how deep, how raw, how joyful and how painful my surrogacy was. As my friend was pushing this baby girl out, the mother stand at the end of the bed, watching and my eyes fixed on her. As her cheeks flushed with pink and eyes welled with tears, the brows pulled tight and she clenched her fists to her chest in sheer joy and expectation of the daughter that she so deeply longed for. It was as if my stomached dropped into my belly and my heart creeped up into my throat. All at once, I was filled with joy and pain and I thought that I should run. I saw my friend hold the baby that she grew for so long cuddle this sweet newborn girl as the baby's parents watched on. I almost felt sick for the impending pain that might be coming (because who's to say that it will be tough for everyone?).

As I observed the new baby now enjoying skin to skin with her natural parents and their sheer joy, I noticed that the professionals had filtered away from my now stable friend and she lay alone with her husband comforting her. Walking up, I felt some of her pain, but also, I felt my own. I saw myself in the airport, bent so painfully over my deer sweet friend and surrogate baby in sling, laying a kiss on her forehead and telling her that I loved here, tears pouring down mine and the mother's face, we embraced. It was as if something so special that I had put in a trunk had been opened again. And I remembered all of the nights that I cried myself to sleep feeling so very alone and knowing that I went through this for my own children. No one will ever fully know or understand.

I stroked the hair of my friend as she lie in a bloody, raw mess, so empty I told her I was proud of her and tears fell from her eyes as she said that it was harder than she thought it would be. Inside, I held my breath and knew that there would be many more tears to come. Tears now pouring down my face, I shakily told her that we could cry together. As I kissed her forehead, I vowed to myself to help her avoid as much of the pain as possible.

While it might have been the intent for me as a doula to help her feel as comfortable as possible, I know more than anyone could that my role now actually begins.......

Thursday, July 29, 2010

So excited to write my book

Next week, I am taking a writing vacation and focusing solely on writing my book on surrogacy. I'm very excited to get to have a whole week dedicated to writing. The children will all be gone and I am working this week on getting my house in order so that I can focus on the writing! So, here's to knowing that it will be a tough, sweet, and reflective week ahead as I re-live the story :-)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I miss you and think of you often. I share, with pride, that you are a part of my life any chance that I can get!

Can't wait to hold you one day :-)

Monday, June 7, 2010


Six months ago, I VERY painfully birthed this beautiful, special, wonderful little girl :-) 
I'm not one to call birth painful or traumatic, but hers was, if there is such a thing.....and now, I am convinced that there is. Even though I have had four beautiful home births, and the fourth was the most powerful and lovely event of my life, I now have experienced what some mothers are so afraid of. It feels good to be that honest and real about it...and it took this long. Mika's birth was so difficult and even complicated, I believe, due to my inability to process the dynamics of the surrogacy. I was so afraid to be too 'close', too in love. I was so afraid to be hurt. It took one horrific birth, and four weeks of nursing her to finally let my walls down. And I did. I'm so grateful that I did. The love and beauty that I experienced surpassed any ideals of the beauty of surrogacy that I had entertained previously. Because I let go and loved her, experiencing the fullness of handing over a baby that my heart wanted so fully, I am always going to be richly blessed!

Thank you, my sweet, sweet Mika for gracing my life. I'll love you always!

Sunday, May 9, 2010



This is a very special Mother's Day for me. I have the deep beauty and love of being a part of making a mama :-)  To see them so in love is a joy that I cannot describe.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Look at the family grow!

And, yes, Mikayla will have curly hair. Beautiful curls :-)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It will never be over

As I sit here, I have no milk and have not pumped for days. I sent the last cooler full of frozen breast milk to my sweet little Mika a few days ago and although I should be overwhelmed with a feeling of closure, I am not. I feel I will never really be. It is FOUR months. Four long months. There is a level of continuation that I have never known. While there is no real need for a connection, on a physiological level, it is there, for us all even. I feel such a deep level of love and connection to my surrogate baby that it honestly surprises me. I thought that I would end up at this point with a real 'wow, I did a good thing', kind of feeling, but in reality, I still feel so amazed, full of love and totally raw, that I don't think it will ever be a small issue. I will always know that I am one amazing woman and I was blessed to be part of one amazing journey and I am head over heals in love with one individual that is not my child.

When I see her face on my screen (as she is always the desktop), I long to grab her and pull her in to me. I long to bring her in to my nest and make her my own. Yet, I am thrilled that she is in the arms of two people that I love so much. Not only did we have the benefit of growing close through growing their baby, but mom and dad's love of their daughter makes me love them even more. For whoever loves what I love, is loved indeed by me..... :-) While time has healed some of the raw edges, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and the slightest of effort brings tears of sadness and longing, or gleams of pride and love in my eyes.

Hmmm. This whole other world that it is......surrogacy.......it's not what I expected. It's so, so much more.

And I go to sleep tonight, thinking again, of sweet little tender baby cuddled up to me and her warm breath on my tender skin. I love you, My Sweet........ I always will.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Happy Four Months

Happy day sweet baby girl! What a day it was when you came into the world so stubbornly in my bath tub!!! Sweet little warm wiggly body. You are growing so well and so beautiful and I've been been honored to be a part of that.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

The last tie is fading

As I just pumped for what is likely the last time in my life, and for my sweet Mika, I am flooded with bitter sweet feelings. I recall all of the times that we lay close together nursing and even the days prior when she lay nestled in my belly. It seems that time makes everything easier, but can't erase the memories.

Yesterday, I had the joy of holding a baby that is just a week or two younger than Mikayla. This mama and baby were in my prenatal yoga classes and we had the time to get to know each other a bit. To hold this little baby girl felt so healing for me. When Mikayla left, I really couldn't stand to look at pregnant women or babies and over time, it has gotten easier. To truly enjoy being with this new mama and baby was comforting and I will treasure it.

So many people ask me what being a surrogate was like, and want to know almost in passing the details of this enormous journey. There's no way that I can say what it was like in passing, or even a couple of blog entries. That is why I have a book. Some day, when it is published, everyone can see what it was and is really like. So much bigger than one moment can share.

As I celebrate this Easter weekend, and the gift of New Life, I close my eyes, breathe deeply and feel that sweet, little warm body against me and know that in the smallest way, I have a sense of what it means to give life <3.

Monday, March 22, 2010

THIS is why I wanted to be a surrogate

Looking at this recent photo of Mom and her baby gives me an indescribable feeling that was what first drew me to the idea of being a surrogate. To see something so beautiful and know that I am the reason that they are together is something that will never leave my heart. I am truly blesses and thank God for the difficult and rewarding opportunity.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Gaining (non)closure?

As I shipped off the second and last cooler full of frozen breast milk this week, I found no sadness in the end of that connection. It seems that my sweet surro baby is so far from me that at times, I wonder if it was all a big, wonderful and scary dream. And then, the memories flood my mind and heart and tears fill my eyes. It seems she's so near and yet so far. What a strange place to be in. There are times when I long for my little Mika in my arms and at my breasts, but mostly, I am full of joy that she is with her mommy and daddy and enjoying the life she was meant to have.

Now, as my life is returning, so is my body and I'm enjoying new challenges and rising to the occasion. For one whole year, my strength was all in surrender......that beautiful yin energy that is passive and feminine. I am now, once again, able to let the dominant, yang energy come out and admiring how it so much more fully compliments my character.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


It's official. I'm me again. Well, actually, me, only Better. I feel like myself again and I am loving it. I may not be in the physical shape that I am typically, but mentally and emotionally, I am there. The feeling of knowing myself and being familiar with my feelings, thoughts and attitudes is so empowering right now. Days and days go by and I realize that I haven't even written because I haven't really needed to.

There's been one thing I notice and that is how I relate to my body in relation to the physical birth. I feel that the traumatic nature of the birth affected how I relate to my femininity and romance. I am very uncomfortable feeling romantic and en-amorous. Although I have noticed this for a while, I attributed it to the adjustments that I was going through. I now feel that it is something that I need to write and talk through to let go of and heal over. This, however is something that I will save for my book as it will be deeper and more intimate in nature. I'm hoping that by getting my thoughts and feelings out, I can again feel connected to, safe within and open to my femininity and romance. While my man is amazing, it would be neglectful to not work at being the loving woman that he fell for.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

All blocked up........

It's time for me to be asleep, but my breasts are achingly full of milk and my eyes welling over with tears. My cognitive mind knows that this is OK and a necessary transition, but my heart just doesn't want to let go. On one hand, I feel that I press on myself that I must be the strong and amazing woman that everyone espouses me to be. And on the other, I just want to crumple to the ground and cry myself motionless, emptying the confusion and pain that I feel. It's really not always there. It most often is now buried by the wonderful parts of my life that I love. But at times, the waves of emotion wash this ache ashore and I have only to acknowledge that is there or I will get tripped up on it. I want to let it go, but there is this huge fear in me that letting go will mean that she is gone from me forever.

And here comes my cognitive mind telling me that it is 10 weeks. It is time for me to not feel the hurt even rarely as it is. It's time for me to toughen up and move on. But, who am I to know what it is time for? I've never been here. And not many people have. Tonight, I go to bed with breasts that long to nourish a sweet little baby who is so close in my memory that I can almost smell her and feel her on my cheek. Sweet, sweet dreams, my little love.

I think I'm ready

My latest topic is the impending weaning from the pump. As I am enjoying more and more freedom in body, mind and spirit, I feel that I am emotionally strong enough to let go of this tie to my surrogate baby. The inconvenience has not been an issue until lately and I take comfort in the mothering hormones that flood my body on a regular basis when lactating. Still.....my freezer is full of milk, still without a certainty to whether or not it will be used.

I guess that I not only feel like I am letting go of Mika, but I am letting go of this phase of my life. Never again will I be pregnant or nurse a baby. Never again will I be here. It's about letting life come and go and growing older. My oldest is 16 and my youngest is 6. It won't be long and they will be adults. No more babies of my own.

Having babies will always be the happiest time of my life. There is nothing like growing and nurturing new life. Nothing like walking along side a toddler and experiencing everything with them for the first time. Nothing like cloth diapers hanging on the line and curled up on the sofa with a little one nursing, the house messy and nothing else seems to matter besides that sweet little one at your breast. But I can look forward to nurturing my children as new parents and guiding them through their journeys. This will be a joy as well.

As I prepare mentally and emotionally to dry my milk, I am not confronted with the technicality of it. It will involve yet another trip to the health food store for herbs. And although one of the tricks is to reduce fluid intake, I'm not sure that I am ambitious enough about drying up to go around dehydrated for a couple of days. So, here's to letting go and moving on. Here's to growing older and embracing it.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Actually not working

By the time that I come to writing for myself in my book or blog, I find that I am exhausted. How do I then write from a fresh and 'me' perspective? I guess that's when I should be thankful that I can muster the fortitude to even write at all.

I just really am loving life lately, feeling so full of enthusiasm, direction, creativity and more. In short, I feel like ME again. And then my surro family crosses my mind and I miss them. It's bitter sweet to move on for me. I long to keep the memories fresh, but at the same time, it is refreshing to not feel sad. It's possible for me to think of nursing and cuddling Mika and not feel sad, but it is tough to keep it light. My overall feeling is that of gratitude that I was able to nurse a sweet little newborn for a month. I hope to carry those memories with me to the grave.

She's 10 weeks old yesterday and it felt like a real mile-stone to me. I find myself wondering how much longer I will pump. This has not be easy to let go of. I feel like they went so far away from me so suddenly and it's my only tie. When I am ready.......

Friday, February 12, 2010

Well, I'm still pumping along......

As time goes by and daily I express milk, I am beginning to wonder why. I have almost the amount that I can ship if D&A decide to do another shipment. So, as I become engorged, not wanting to take the time out of my day to pump, I also feel uptight and emotional. The regular release floods me with oxytocin which not only keeps me relaxed, but feeling happy. When I skip or prolong the pumping, it makes me feel unsettled or insecure, like I used to when it was time for my babies to nurse. It's interesting how my body doesn't really know that I'm not literally directly nourishing a baby.

So, I begin to look forward to weaning from this pump with mixed emotions. Part of me knows that it is good for me physically and part of me knows that I could stand to have more time. But, do I really need more time? Taking four to five breaks a day is obviously healthy. But I literally don't do that otherwise. Hmmmm. I also am interested in donating milk, ideally to Haiti, although I have seen recent articles about the difficulty that they are having with milk donations.

My last concern about weaning from the pump is that it is my only tangible connection to the baby that I carried for so long. It is the only real evidence that I have that reminds me of what I've been through. The transition from being solely responsible for the livelihood of an individual to being completely free from them is no easy transition. My mothering and nurturing instincts still want to do their job, even if my conscious mind thinks otherwise.

So, here's to putting this tired and almost 10 weeks postpartum not-new, but new mommy to bed.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Reflecting on an amazing journey

I find it so interesting that one year ago, I was preparing to carry a baby for a couple that I didn't even know. These two people were strangers to me, but yet, somehow, I felt connected to them and knew that we had made a good choice. After going through a whole process of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, being pregnant and then birth and postpartum together, all I can say is that this couple feels closer than family. There is a closeness that I feel in my heart and a fondness that is hard to describe.

Little reminders around my home remind me of the time that we spent together in December. We all went through so much together and I have grown to have a deep love and appreciation for this father and mother. The fact that they are such good parents is a huge comfort to me as a surrogate. I see them caring for their daughter who I love so very much and it gives me an indescribable sense of joy. On the other side of this surrogacy, all I can say is that I feel blessed to have been connected to two people who are not only deserving of a family, but fill the role so wonderfully well. Accolades to mommy and daddy. Thanks for letting me be a part of your journey :-)

Monday, February 1, 2010

This is a day

That I sure could use a sweet little baby to snuggle up with. Some days are just hard to handle and this is one. While I could go on and on about my difficulties, it would do no good. So, I am left practicing the fine art of detachment. Detachment from ideals and expectations. Detachment from comfort and ease. But, as I struggle to do so, my mind wanders back to my sweet December, when all I had to do was nurture a precious little baby. Life is so simple when you have a new baby. Like nothing else matters because you can't tend to it even if it did. All of your energy is being pulled to one single purpose. So, tonight I lay my head on my pillow missing my sweet Mika and the love filled time that we shared.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Angels are with us

Or at-least the milk. It seems that we have had just about every possible hang up that you can imagine, but yet, the common thread is that of assistance. The personnel involved in the shipment and at the quarantine department have been amazingly helpful in working to expedite the process of getting this precious milk to Mikayla still frozen! Tomorrow will be SIX days on a shipment that was supposed to be 1-3. However, we did plan for delay and have done all that we can to ensure that it will arrive frozen. I will be eagerly awaiting the news when it is picked up, but somehow, deep inside of me, I feel that all is well. I don't know if that is just the relaxing affects of lactation or if it is my intuition. Usually, I am good at knowing things without evidence, but lately I am just so relaxed! LOVE it!

So, today is my 36th birthday and I am sitting in a hotel room all alone in San Francisco at a yoga conference. I walked across the street and treated myself to a bottle of wine and some deli food. Sitting here, with the keyboard as my companion, I am left wondering what to do next. I sure would love a piece of birthday cake. Tomorrow, my stepbrother is taking me out to dinner and I am very much looking forward to it.

As I looked in the mirror tonight and toasted myself to a successful past year of life, I felt blessed to just get through to the other side. I walk around this hotel full of yoga celebrities and yoga hard bodies everywhere. I shop at the vendors and nothing is suitable for my body. Easily, I could allow this to bother me, but I don't. I simply feel honored to be who I am, where I am, with the past that I have. I feel blessed to be alive and in good health. And THIS, my dear friends, is yoga. This, being present, living and breathing what yoga is and teaches within my soul. Truly, I am growing and maturing toward all the wisdom that God will allow.

Monday, January 25, 2010

We shipped the milk

Today was the culmination of much planning and preparation. Weeks were spent researching and readying ourselves for this grand shipment to this tiny little person. The package weighed seven times her body weight. The hours spent making decisions seems endless, and now all we can do is wait. Wait and pray that the cooler of liquid gold arrives to it's queen in a solid, frozen state. I have literally prayed and visualized angels carrying this precious cargo swiftly to Australia. The time I have spent pumping, cleaning pump parts and storing milk have been uncountable, but the heart to give to this baby hasn't been near tapped. I couldn't ship all of the milk that I have in my freezer due to weight limits, and that just grates at me every time I see the milk in my freezer and not in the cooler on it's way to be utilized.

I find myself wanting to reflect on Mikayla tonight because of the gravity of the day, but I'm at a place that I have learned how to stay even in emotion. If I don't allow myself to think of her for more than a few seconds at a time, then I don't get to that sad place of longing. Then I wonder, is this selfish preservation of my heart worth the denial of her existence? Sometimes, I want to allow myself to the dwell on my memories and let the tears come just so I can feel close to her and not forget. But, most of the time, I just can't let myself feel that pain now that I have been able to avoid it. So, here's to another night of good sleep and dreaming of Mika receiving a cooler full of FROZEN breast milk from her surro mommy.

Friday, January 22, 2010

The SWEETest smile :-)

Tonight, we enjoyed a skype call and I got to see sweet little surro babe smile! Her daddy was holding her and she was smiling up at him and I just love to see her with her parents and love to see her happy with them. Just knowing that she is taken care of and loved makes me feel good. Knowing that I was a part of making this family is exactly what drew me to being a surrogate, but the feeling that I get from it is much more rewarding than I even knew it could be. Yes, the downsides have been tougher than expected, but Man, have the upsides been more UP! The love that what I feel for this beautiful new family is so strong and the deep love and connection that I have to this little girl is absolutely undying. Hmmm. Just sitting here feeling so full of yumminess right now.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


So, I was in the hospital three days after birth for a possible infection, needing IV antibiotics to recover. And Yesterday around 1:00 or so, I began spiking a fever very quickly. I was chilled and shivering uncontrollably, wondering what was going on. I thought it might be mastitis, so called the midwife and she said that I could go in to the ER for antibiotics, or I could take loads of vitamins, and wait to see by tomorrow. I took Tylenol also and that did eventually drop my fever and help me to feel a bit better. But, I still began to feel worse again.

Out of desperation, I took two ounces of my own milk and was amazed that I began feeling better. So, then I had this dilemma of wanting to be well and knowing my milk could make me better, and not wanting to use Mikayla's milk! This is the first time I have drank my own milk and I was amazed that I could do it, but honestly grossed out at the thought. It's amazing what you will do when you feel like you are dying. And after a couple of hours, I began feeling worse again, took more Tylenol and still decided that I must go to the hospital!

We spent two hours at the hospital just to get one pill and a prescription. I don't even have the energy to go into the frustration of our medical system or Kaiser Permanente for that matter! But, wouldn't it be great if we could just have the DR call in a prescription?

And, I must lie flat again as my head is throbbing like a freight train is going through it. Let's hope that this is my last complication!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Mika is 6 weeks today!

SWEET baby girl! The last couple of days have been great. Actually, the whole weekend. But, when the tears come again, it is hard to stop. Usually in the dark night when I am thinking of her sweetness and our times together.

However, more and more, I can console myself with the acknowledgement that I had a wonderful gift of four weeks with this little one and many surrogates do not get that. And that should be enough writing about my feelings as it is getting close to that time of night and I prefer to go to sleep without crying.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Maybe I have a new lease on life

The last two days have been much more positive for me and I recognize that it could also be due to the fact that I am quite busy, but I will take it!

It seems that right now, I am noticing a different perspective in my view on aspects of my life that are no different than they were right before the birth of my surro baby. My thought is that having gone through this difficult experience of surrogacy and certainly the trauma of the birth complications has allowed me to see things differently. I feel somehow that life is more manageable. Life is more possible and how do I say, maybe more enjoyable? As I return to my 'normal' life, I feel that the same things that stressed me previously do not matter as much. What I might also assume is that I feel this way simply because I am so close to the whole experience and still in the postpartum period. My ideal would be to maintain this same perception and approach to my life. Being able to go through life without stress and anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed is a constant struggle for me and it seems much more natural now. Here's to hoping it is a permanent character change due to a traumatic life experience! I'm loving feeling more accepting of me and all the aspects of my life!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

But the nights are no good

It seems that the evening is the toughest time for me as there is less to distract me from the thoughts of my little surro angel. Or is it that I am tired and wish, much like an infant would, the comfort of nursing and cuddling? Whatever it is, my heart feels sad and tonight I wonder why I feel more sad the last couple of days? It's like I know she is longing for me too and I can't do anything about it. It's amazing how a person can harbor such highs and lows of emotion simultaneously. I am sad and lost and longing for Mika, and at the same time, I am happy to be getting back to my life and eager to experience all that is in front of me. But, yet, maybe that is it. I am moving on and returning to normal, whatever that is, and I feel that I have left her and our sacred time together. That somehow I may possibly forget our sweet December. But I know that could never happen. I will never lose the connection I have with this little soul. As time pulls me away, I feel the rawness healing, but I will never forget. So, tonight sweet Mika, sleep deeply and know that I love you and wish you well. And, as usual, you will be the last image in my eyes as I fall asleep.

Monday, January 11, 2010

IT IS getting better :-)

I can't really say why other than time and my enjoying having energy and feeling good! In fact, I feel better than I have in a year's time. When I started injections back in March was the beginning of not feeling great (understatement) and now, well now I am becoming ME again.

As my energy is returning, I have been doing yoga and going for walks and it feels amazing. As I have some weight to lose, I realize that I could slip in to that old and all too common pattern of hating my body and not really enjoying life when I have weight to lose. BUT, I feel something different this time. Is it maturity, or is it maybe being very relaxed after several months off work, or is it that I am only 5 weeks post partum? Or, maybe it is the fact that I am so over-joyed to feel good and have my energy back that I have a new lease on life? I believe that it is the later. so, here's to feeling good and working on my ultimate fitness.......and enjoying the journey.

Friday, January 8, 2010

I wonder when it gets easier

It is evening and that is my toughest time as I slow down and am not distracted. This is when I really start longing for Mika. When I close my eyes, I can almost smell her. The feel of her in my arms is so real, but not quite real enough. I just wish I could hold her one more time. Kiss her sweet face and tell her that I love her.

Our most recent struggle has been clearing and planning the shipment of my milk to her. The country of Australia is very tough to get clearance for anything perishable, but we did get it. Now, it is timing and packaging that delay us. So, meanwhile, I feel disconnected and helpless to care for the baby that I grew for so long. And it seems that I drive myself crazy trying to reason with my heart. I don't even want a baby to raise or give time to, but my heart just longs for her not caring what my mind says. It's irrational to be upset by something I planned, but that's what love is. Irrational.

The daily video calls are helpful in letting me see her with her parents as the cuddle her and give her all the love she deserves. It warms my heart and reassures me that she is OK. here is one of the most recent pictures that they have sent.

I've begun doing yoga again and am thoroughly enjoying it. My body craves the nurturing.......

Monday, January 4, 2010

we said good bye

Yesterday was the second hardest day of my life. My surrogate baby left to Australia and I am left wondering how I got to where I am. It's strange that just a couple of months ago I was perplexed that I felt so little connection to the baby that I carried for so long. It's strange also that I was sure that I could let her go with her parents without a worry. And now. Now I am broken hearted. It's funny how pain makes you think and think.... and think. Like you are trying to figure out what can make it stop. I've found that if I had not offered to breast feed, things would be very different. Four weeks of nursing this little tiny baby was not what I had planned, and somehow, it just seemed to happen. As each nursing passed, I grew more in love with her. More attached and more deeply wondering if there is any possible way that she could remember me on some deep level in the future.

The day was long, wet with many tears and bouts of crying and dreading her parting from me, yet eager to have it done and to be on the side of less pain through healing. The trip to the airport was the same, with me sitting beside her, gazing at her sweet face and stroking her tiny little hand in mine. Tears pouring down my face, it seemed that I couldn't say, 'I love you' enough times. Once through the check in process, with time short, there was much urgency to get her nursed for the very last time so the new family could pass through security and be on their way home. This last nursing was in the waiting area with many people around and I let them distract me as often as possible, but toward the end, it was impossible. As I stroked her little cheek, I knew when I took her from my breast, I would never nurse her again. With her mother sitting beside me, I took baby Mikayla up in a hug and kissed her and cried hard. Her mother standing up, I placed this gift that I love so much into the sling around her mother and I hugged them both telling them I love them. I whispered, 'Take good care of her' into her mother's ear as we cried together. Walking over to the others then in line for security, more tears, hugs and promises of visits were shared.

Walking out of the airport with no baby in my belly, no baby in my arms and no baby waiting for me near by was the emptiest that I have ever felt. As I spent the rest of the night unable to stop the random tears, I grasped some of her left behind clothes to my chest and sobbed. I knew I could have avoided this pain, but I didn't care. If I had kept myself separate and kept my milk from her, it would have hurt less, if at all, but I never would have had the joy, the love, the pleasure of sacrificing so much. Nor would I have the sweet memories of her tiny little body curled up and nursing at my breast, her tiny little hand so gratefully grasping me like she too treasured every moment.

As the time goes by, I know that I can think of her and feel the joy and love and not the pain, so much. In the end, I am in awe of how grand this journey has been and how deep the feelings. All of the feelings, in fact. The joy, the pain, the love. And I am proud of myself for being open enough to accept it all. Tonight, I have hope that I can lay my head down and not cry myself to sleep. The thoughts of this little girl in the future is a pleasurable distraction as I think of seeing her again one day and wonder, how will my heart feel at that moment. Whatever it may be, I am certain that it will not be pain or sadness and I am thankful that those days will come.

My time will now be spent finishing my book and I will still post on this blog related to my feelings of the surrogacy and how the family is doing. It's my hope that some how, I have helped to touch someone through sharing so openly here and know that it's true that It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.