I'm BACK

It's official. I'm me again. Well, actually, me, only Better. I feel like myself again and I am loving it. I may not be in the physical shape that I am typically, but mentally and emotionally, I am there. The feeling of knowing myself and being familiar with my feelings, thoughts and attitudes is so empowering right now. Days and days go by and I realize that I haven't even written because I haven't really needed to.

There's been one thing I notice and that is how I relate to my body in relation to the physical birth. I feel that the traumatic nature of the birth affected how I relate to my femininity and romance. I am very uncomfortable feeling romantic and en-amorous. Although I have noticed this for a while, I attributed it to the adjustments that I was going through. I now feel that it is something that I need to write and talk through to let go of and heal over. This, however is something that I will save for my book as it will be deeper and more intimate in nature. I'm hoping that by getting my thoughts and feelings out, I can again feel connected to, safe within and open to my femininity and romance. While my man is amazing, it would be neglectful to not work at being the loving woman that he fell for.

All blocked up........

It's time for me to be asleep, but my breasts are achingly full of milk and my eyes welling over with tears. My cognitive mind knows that this is OK and a necessary transition, but my heart just doesn't want to let go. On one hand, I feel that I press on myself that I must be the strong and amazing woman that everyone espouses me to be. And on the other, I just want to crumple to the ground and cry myself motionless, emptying the confusion and pain that I feel. It's really not always there. It most often is now buried by the wonderful parts of my life that I love. But at times, the waves of emotion wash this ache ashore and I have only to acknowledge that is there or I will get tripped up on it. I want to let it go, but there is this huge fear in me that letting go will mean that she is gone from me forever.

And here comes my cognitive mind telling me that it is 10 weeks. It is time for me to not feel the hurt even rarely as it is. It's time for me to toughen up and move on. But, who am I to know what it is time for? I've never been here. And not many people have. Tonight, I go to bed with breasts that long to nourish a sweet little baby who is so close in my memory that I can almost smell her and feel her on my cheek. Sweet, sweet dreams, my little love.

I think I'm ready

My latest topic is the impending weaning from the pump. As I am enjoying more and more freedom in body, mind and spirit, I feel that I am emotionally strong enough to let go of this tie to my surrogate baby. The inconvenience has not been an issue until lately and I take comfort in the mothering hormones that flood my body on a regular basis when lactating. Still.....my freezer is full of milk, still without a certainty to whether or not it will be used.

I guess that I not only feel like I am letting go of Mika, but I am letting go of this phase of my life. Never again will I be pregnant or nurse a baby. Never again will I be here. It's about letting life come and go and growing older. My oldest is 16 and my youngest is 6. It won't be long and they will be adults. No more babies of my own.

Having babies will always be the happiest time of my life. There is nothing like growing and nurturing new life. Nothing like walking along side a toddler and experiencing everything with them for the first time. Nothing like cloth diapers hanging on the line and curled up on the sofa with a little one nursing, the house messy and nothing else seems to matter besides that sweet little one at your breast. But I can look forward to nurturing my children as new parents and guiding them through their journeys. This will be a joy as well.

As I prepare mentally and emotionally to dry my milk, I am not confronted with the technicality of it. It will involve yet another trip to the health food store for herbs. And although one of the tricks is to reduce fluid intake, I'm not sure that I am ambitious enough about drying up to go around dehydrated for a couple of days. So, here's to letting go and moving on. Here's to growing older and embracing it.

Actually not working

By the time that I come to writing for myself in my book or blog, I find that I am exhausted. How do I then write from a fresh and 'me' perspective? I guess that's when I should be thankful that I can muster the fortitude to even write at all.

I just really am loving life lately, feeling so full of enthusiasm, direction, creativity and more. In short, I feel like ME again. And then my surro family crosses my mind and I miss them. It's bitter sweet to move on for me. I long to keep the memories fresh, but at the same time, it is refreshing to not feel sad. It's possible for me to think of nursing and cuddling Mika and not feel sad, but it is tough to keep it light. My overall feeling is that of gratitude that I was able to nurse a sweet little newborn for a month. I hope to carry those memories with me to the grave.

She's 10 weeks old yesterday and it felt like a real mile-stone to me. I find myself wondering how much longer I will pump. This has not be easy to let go of. I feel like they went so far away from me so suddenly and it's my only tie. When I am ready.......

Well, I'm still pumping along......

As time goes by and daily I express milk, I am beginning to wonder why. I have almost the amount that I can ship if D&A decide to do another shipment. So, as I become engorged, not wanting to take the time out of my day to pump, I also feel uptight and emotional. The regular release floods me with oxytocin which not only keeps me relaxed, but feeling happy. When I skip or prolong the pumping, it makes me feel unsettled or insecure, like I used to when it was time for my babies to nurse. It's interesting how my body doesn't really know that I'm not literally directly nourishing a baby.

So, I begin to look forward to weaning from this pump with mixed emotions. Part of me knows that it is good for me physically and part of me knows that I could stand to have more time. But, do I really need more time? Taking four to five breaks a day is obviously healthy. But I literally don't do that otherwise. Hmmmm. I also am interested in donating milk, ideally to Haiti, although I have seen recent articles about the difficulty that they are having with milk donations.

My last concern about weaning from the pump is that it is my only tangible connection to the baby that I carried for so long. It is the only real evidence that I have that reminds me of what I've been through. The transition from being solely responsible for the livelihood of an individual to being completely free from them is no easy transition. My mothering and nurturing instincts still want to do their job, even if my conscious mind thinks otherwise.

So, here's to putting this tired and almost 10 weeks postpartum not-new, but new mommy to bed.

Reflecting on an amazing journey

I find it so interesting that one year ago, I was preparing to carry a baby for a couple that I didn't even know. These two people were strangers to me, but yet, somehow, I felt connected to them and knew that we had made a good choice. After going through a whole process of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, being pregnant and then birth and postpartum together, all I can say is that this couple feels closer than family. There is a closeness that I feel in my heart and a fondness that is hard to describe.

Little reminders around my home remind me of the time that we spent together in December. We all went through so much together and I have grown to have a deep love and appreciation for this father and mother. The fact that they are such good parents is a huge comfort to me as a surrogate. I see them caring for their daughter who I love so very much and it gives me an indescribable sense of joy. On the other side of this surrogacy, all I can say is that I feel blessed to have been connected to two people who are not only deserving of a family, but fill the role so wonderfully well. Accolades to mommy and daddy. Thanks for letting me be a part of your journey :-)

8 weeks old....isn't she beautiful?!

This is a day

That I sure could use a sweet little baby to snuggle up with. Some days are just hard to handle and this is one. While I could go on and on about my difficulties, it would do no good. So, I am left practicing the fine art of detachment. Detachment from ideals and expectations. Detachment from comfort and ease. But, as I struggle to do so, my mind wanders back to my sweet December, when all I had to do was nurture a precious little baby. Life is so simple when you have a new baby. Like nothing else matters because you can't tend to it even if it did. All of your energy is being pulled to one single purpose. So, tonight I lay my head on my pillow missing my sweet Mika and the love filled time that we shared.