As I sit here, I have no milk and have not pumped for days. I sent the last cooler full of frozen breast milk to my sweet little Mika a few days ago and although I should be overwhelmed with a feeling of closure, I am not. I feel I will never really be. It is FOUR months. Four long months. There is a level of continuation that I have never known. While there is no real need for a connection, on a physiological level, it is there, for us all even. I feel such a deep level of love and connection to my surrogate baby that it honestly surprises me. I thought that I would end up at this point with a real 'wow, I did a good thing', kind of feeling, but in reality, I still feel so amazed, full of love and totally raw, that I don't think it will ever be a small issue. I will always know that I am one amazing woman and I was blessed to be part of one amazing journey and I am head over heals in love with one individual that is not my child.
When I see her face on my screen (as she is always the desktop), I long to grab her and pull her in to me. I long to bring her in to my nest and make her my own. Yet, I am thrilled that she is in the arms of two people that I love so much. Not only did we have the benefit of growing close through growing their baby, but mom and dad's love of their daughter makes me love them even more. For whoever loves what I love, is loved indeed by me..... :-) While time has healed some of the raw edges, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and the slightest of effort brings tears of sadness and longing, or gleams of pride and love in my eyes.
Hmmm. This whole other world that it is......surrogacy.......it's not what I expected. It's so, so much more.
And I go to sleep tonight, thinking again, of sweet little tender baby cuddled up to me and her warm breath on my tender skin. I love you, My Sweet........ I always will.
Happy day sweet baby girl! What a day it was when you came into the world so stubbornly in my bath tub!!! Sweet little warm wiggly body. You are growing so well and so beautiful and I've been been honored to be a part of that.
As I just pumped for what is likely the last time in my life, and for my sweet Mika, I am flooded with bitter sweet feelings. I recall all of the times that we lay close together nursing and even the days prior when she lay nestled in my belly. It seems that time makes everything easier, but can't erase the memories.
Yesterday, I had the joy of holding a baby that is just a week or two younger than Mikayla. This mama and baby were in my prenatal yoga classes and we had the time to get to know each other a bit. To hold this little baby girl felt so healing for me. When Mikayla left, I really couldn't stand to look at pregnant women or babies and over time, it has gotten easier. To truly enjoy being with this new mama and baby was comforting and I will treasure it.
So many people ask me what being a surrogate was like, and want to know almost in passing the details of this enormous journey. There's no way that I can say what it was like in passing, or even a couple of blog entries. That is why I have a book. Some day, when it is published, everyone can see what it was and is really like. So much bigger than one moment can share.
As I celebrate this Easter weekend, and the gift of New Life, I close my eyes, breathe deeply and feel that sweet, little warm body against me and know that in the smallest way, I have a sense of what it means to give life <3.
I am married to my best friend and the love of my life. I am first and foremost a home-schooling mother of four children (one in college). Together with my husband, we own a wellness center and yoga studio. I am a certified yoga teacher and in my spare time, I am an author. :-)