As I sit here on the last morning with my oldest son after setting him up in his own apartment, I feel overwhelmed with emotions. Those who know him understand when I say that a part of me is ready. The size of the male character at 19 years old can be Very large if they have been well loved, nurtured and protected. And, these, he has for sure!
It's impossible to find the words to express the pride I feel over my son who began with having been home-schooled his whole life to at the age of 19, having 3 years of college under his belt. He has achieved many awards and scholarships of recognition for academic achievement and is entering an elite university to acquire the Bachelor of Fine Arts in Digital Art and Animation. I'm writing this to empty my heart and not to gloat, so trust me when I say that I have gone through heaven and hell to get him to this point, and with the strength of character in which he is arriving.
Just when I found myself a legal adult, I found myself expecting to be a parent. That parallel will never be lost on me; for my whole adult life I have, in fact, been Mom. I jumped at the title and enthusiastically poured myself into being the best mother any could be. When faced with birth, even at such an innocent age, I chose to birth at home where the whole experience would be intimate and unhampered. Turn, after turn, I bucked the 'parenting system' and made choices that seemed more to alienate me rather than gain me supporters. And yet, with every single choice, I knew, it would some day come back to me. I had to make the right choice, even when it was't popular or easy. And, by God, I made some tough ones!
Just like it was yesterday, I see my chubby little blond haired nursling smiling at me and I can literally feel the silky, squishy baby-ness at my fingertips. And today, at 6'2", that man has the same eyes that gazed at me so needfully then. But only I know the road ahead. Only I know how many lessons he has to learn and can see the bumps in the road. And this mama wants to pick him up in my arms and walk the road for him. But I can't. The time has come to put him down, let go of his hand and watch him take his own path.
And I see that this journey isn't just about him. I have done my job as well, and even better in some cases, than I could have expected. For this, I have earned peace, you would think. But it's not so easy to love passionately, fearlessly, at all costs and then to let go. It's not so easy to lay down your life for someone and then to let them leave. This, then becomes my journey. To fearlessly let go. To passionately surrender to the birth of my adult child. One thing will remain true for all days; that no circumstance, no situation, and no length of time could ever weaken the deep love I have for my son, my Life, My Love.
Anthony's 4th Birthday
2 years ago