Monday, December 28, 2009

time is coming to a close.....

Today, the passport arrived.......Early. The family had tickets for the 9th. Now, they are leaving on the 3rd. As the parents were at their condo and I at home watching Mikayla, they called to ask if returning on the 2nd or 3rd would be better. My obvious choice was the third. One more day with this little child that I may actually never see again. One more day nursing the baby that I carried for 9 months. One more day of smelling her, feeling her and being with her.

And as I sit here, tears streaming down my face, typing, I can see her wise little eyes staring at me and wonder if some how, some where in her, she will miss me even half as much as I will miss her. My heart is breaking at the thought of losing her and I feel the totality of what everyone is so free to say, 'it will be so tough', 'I could never do that', and I wonder, maybe I am ignorant and I really couldn't see the pain coming in giving a baby over in surrogacy, or maybe, I knew I would be brave enough to accept that pain. And then I let go of making sense of it all and I just Feel what comes. Right now, it is sweet sadness. Actually, just sadness. After some sleep I will again have some of the sweet.

Monday, December 21, 2009

TWO weeks old today!

Sweet baby girl (that was my name for her during pregnancy, so the new one hasn't stuck). She is TWO weeks old today. Each day seems a little easier to be away from her and I don't think of her non-stop any more, but I am very grateful that we have a few more weeks as their tickets are to return on the 9th...........

Speaking of which, I am 'baby-sitting', and she is calling......... ;-)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Adjusting to normal life..........

Well, on day 3, I went into the hospital for fever and dehydration. It seems recovery under stress and with my blood loss was too much. So, recovery slower than normal.

Day 5, the new family moved out and I cried as much as possible in private, not sure how my family would feel about my tears. I knew nursing her would make it tough to part, but I feel I owe it to her. I will give her every ounce of me until I no longer can, which would be when she returns to Australia in a couple of weeks. They are near by and come for a couple of nursings in the afternoon, which is the highlight of my day. The rest of the time, I am expressing and storing milk for her parents to give her.

My book has been my constant companion as I can write and organize my thoughts about surrogacy. My outlook is good and I feel that this journey has been perfectly designed for us all and I am extremely grateful.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

isn't she a doll?

IP and baby Mikayla still at my house. The plan was/is to nurse her until milk came in and then they take her to condo and I will pump for them. The problem is that she nurses so frequently that pumping has been near impossible. She is beginning to adjust to this new life and IP are adjusting to her. Don and I have had the pleasure of observing and at times guiding the process. And I simply am cherishing nursing for the last time in my life.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It was quite a journey

Mikayla arrived on Monday, December 7th at 3:05 PM. She weighed 7 lbs and 2 oz and is 20 inches long. The labor and birth were surprising and unlike any of my other four. We believe that the difficulty was in that she presented 'military' style, with her chin forward and looking straight ahead instead of tucked and presenting the crown first. The labor was hard and furious and the birth came off with out complication for the baby, but I hemorhaged pretty well and am required to be flat in bed, leaving for NOTHING until I can rebuild some of the blood loss and regain my strength.

As we had all suspected, I was unable to get to the hospital. I have a history of four home births previously, a couple extremely fast, but there was a point in the furious labor that I was saying I should have scheduled a cesarean and that I wanted an epidural! On the other side of it, I am just thankful that the midwife was there and provided her excellent care. The parents were able to make it into my bathroom (she was born in my jaquizzi tub) just seconds before their little girl was born. I repeatedly aplogized to the mother for being loud and screaming(we had previously discussed this topic and I told her that in my previous births, I was quiet).

My dear man was of impressive fortitude and compassion as he tended to all of my needs, never taking his hands off of me. I truly could not have made it through without him as he held my bowl and hair as I vomited, and as I cried and swore I could not make it through. As I pushed and pushed and screamed, Don re-assured me at every turn although I can only guess how frightening it must have been for him to see me like that. I am so truly blessed with an amazing man........

When the cord had stopped pulsing, it was cut and I was able to hand this sweet little girl over to her parents. As I lay in the tub, gazing at such a sacred site of these parents accepting their daughter with joy and love and appreciation, I felt so fulfilled and know that whatever I have gone through, beginning to now, it has been a worthy journey that I will take to my grave.

As I lay here in bed, I thank God for his hand in it all.