Monday, December 28, 2009

time is coming to a close.....

Today, the passport arrived.......Early. The family had tickets for the 9th. Now, they are leaving on the 3rd. As the parents were at their condo and I at home watching Mikayla, they called to ask if returning on the 2nd or 3rd would be better. My obvious choice was the third. One more day with this little child that I may actually never see again. One more day nursing the baby that I carried for 9 months. One more day of smelling her, feeling her and being with her.

And as I sit here, tears streaming down my face, typing, I can see her wise little eyes staring at me and wonder if some how, some where in her, she will miss me even half as much as I will miss her. My heart is breaking at the thought of losing her and I feel the totality of what everyone is so free to say, 'it will be so tough', 'I could never do that', and I wonder, maybe I am ignorant and I really couldn't see the pain coming in giving a baby over in surrogacy, or maybe, I knew I would be brave enough to accept that pain. And then I let go of making sense of it all and I just Feel what comes. Right now, it is sweet sadness. Actually, just sadness. After some sleep I will again have some of the sweet.


  1. Oh Tara, you've brought tears to my eyes. Having the strength to do it doesn't mean it won't be incredibly painful. Thank you for your honesty and allowing us to follow your journey.

  2. I would epect nothing less then an incredible sense of loss. As you said you carried her for 9 months- she has been a part of your life everyday- yes she is going to go live her l8fe with her parents- but you will feel that loss. Don't deny yourself your feelings. Hugs. You have done a wonderful thing.