Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It will never be over

As I sit here, I have no milk and have not pumped for days. I sent the last cooler full of frozen breast milk to my sweet little Mika a few days ago and although I should be overwhelmed with a feeling of closure, I am not. I feel I will never really be. It is FOUR months. Four long months. There is a level of continuation that I have never known. While there is no real need for a connection, on a physiological level, it is there, for us all even. I feel such a deep level of love and connection to my surrogate baby that it honestly surprises me. I thought that I would end up at this point with a real 'wow, I did a good thing', kind of feeling, but in reality, I still feel so amazed, full of love and totally raw, that I don't think it will ever be a small issue. I will always know that I am one amazing woman and I was blessed to be part of one amazing journey and I am head over heals in love with one individual that is not my child.

When I see her face on my screen (as she is always the desktop), I long to grab her and pull her in to me. I long to bring her in to my nest and make her my own. Yet, I am thrilled that she is in the arms of two people that I love so much. Not only did we have the benefit of growing close through growing their baby, but mom and dad's love of their daughter makes me love them even more. For whoever loves what I love, is loved indeed by me..... :-) While time has healed some of the raw edges, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and the slightest of effort brings tears of sadness and longing, or gleams of pride and love in my eyes.

Hmmm. This whole other world that it's not what I expected. It's so, so much more.

And I go to sleep tonight, thinking again, of sweet little tender baby cuddled up to me and her warm breath on my tender skin. I love you, My Sweet........ I always will.

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