Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The other side of bliss (warning: it's not pretty)

I can almost feel it: the cold rain on my cheeks as I sit perched, wrapped in the warm bath, my face resting on the sill just inches from the elements. With no screen to separate me, I can smell the rain and almost feel the jostle of the leaves as it softly beats down to the ground. Like a cleansing shower. I breathe in and feel the presence of God wrapping me in his sweet arms, as a lonely companion in my despair, reminding me that like the rain, this too will pass.

But, will it? Really? Eleven months after the birth of the fifth baby to come from my body, I feel that I am no longer sure who I am and WHAT is next. It's as if my body, my mind, and my spirit are exhausted from the toil of pressing on and I just don't care and more. I don't care about anything....

And here I sit, soaking in my tub wondering where the woman that I thought I was has gone to. My hands grapple and search for a switch to flip the light that will reveal the 'real' me. And it's not there.... it's nowhere.......

God, I pray and plead, bring me comfort! My soul aches and my heart is no more! I know that you are my very real and present God who leads me, but there is nothing left..... It is too much and I am crushed. It's life......This life that you have given me to live........forgive me that I am ungrateful, but it is coming to be the death of me........ Yes, I daily wake and thank you for my blessings and lie down at night, recounting the same. But it is empty and hollow. The only Real that I know is that you are my God and I am yours......you are my father and I need you now........I need your work and your strength to fill me because the struggles have crushed me to the ground. You say that you do not give more than I can bare, but my God, I think you mis-judge!.....SURELY, I am NOT so strong.......... I need you now.

My tears and prayers pour down my cheeks mimicking the outside rain so close to me now.  It's as if I am losing my mind, but yet, it is within reach. I know that I am not right and that I can be. But, how? As I surendure fully and know that I must, I can hear the term; 'postpartum depression' ring in my ears. This disgusting thing that I have avoided speaking for so long is taunting me now as I must wave the white flag. When I look back and try to guess when it began, honestly, it must have been a very real imbalance during the pregnancy that was so tough. I have struggled for so long to accept my decision to be a surrogate in spite of the traumatic affect that the drugs and pregnancy had on my body.....in spite of the traumatic affect that carrying someone else's baby was......in spite of the fact that birthing a baby that I was not emotionally prepared to birth had on my body......in spite of the grueling pain that letting her go was.........and the real healing: it has not come........

As I sit here swirling in a tiny cocoon of warmpth, right in the very bath that this baby was born, I feel only joy and love toward her and her parents. The gift of surrogacy is something that I would be a part of over and over if only I had the strength. It was the most purest of sacrifice and love; a true beauty.

Adding very real life stressors on top of an already turbulent process can bring a catechism of storms.... just as a strech-mark can be a very tangible physical side affect, so too can the hormones and psyche be scared by even the most perfect of circumstance, especially when coupled with other stress. There is no pregnancy immune from postpartum depression......and this is where I am currently sitting; filling my mouth with vitamins and herbs that are said to balance, forcing myself into fresh air and activity, forcing indulgences that USED to bring me joy, all in the hopes of turning the mental, hormonal and chemical weather in my life around.

Stepping out of the comfort of my bath, I can know that I truly AM blessed in my life. I can run to the waiting arms of my husband and loving arms of my ever-present God.......but when will I FEEL this all in my heart?..........we will see.........


  1. I've read your words and want you to know that I'm thinking about you, sending you strength, solace, comfort, hope. I can't really come up with adequate words, but I hope that keeping you in my thoughts and heart might help in some small way. Thank you for sharing, Tara.

  2. I can't fully express the thankfulness that lies in my heart for your raw expression and truth of this journey. My surrogate birth occurred Sept. 1997, and I am yet to truly embrace all the details of it and how it forever changed my life. But reading your words is a start, and I am so blessed by you. I will pray for continued healing in your precious soul and heart.

  3. Im sorry you are in this place, Its so hard because you set out to do one thing and something else happens. For first time surro mommies you just dont know how you will feel after the birth everyone is different, for me the first time was hard so I did it again and it was amamzing! I also get to spend time with the twins a few times a year! I have not seem my first surro baby since being discharged. I am now working on #3 this will be the last and I know it will be equally as fulfilling as the last :) Im so happy to know you have a great support and most of all Faith in God! He will carry you through this time and it will get easier and better hang int here.

  4. Thanks to you all. I am beginning to feel better. Your love is appreciated <3