Friday, January 8, 2010

I wonder when it gets easier

It is evening and that is my toughest time as I slow down and am not distracted. This is when I really start longing for Mika. When I close my eyes, I can almost smell her. The feel of her in my arms is so real, but not quite real enough. I just wish I could hold her one more time. Kiss her sweet face and tell her that I love her.

Our most recent struggle has been clearing and planning the shipment of my milk to her. The country of Australia is very tough to get clearance for anything perishable, but we did get it. Now, it is timing and packaging that delay us. So, meanwhile, I feel disconnected and helpless to care for the baby that I grew for so long. And it seems that I drive myself crazy trying to reason with my heart. I don't even want a baby to raise or give time to, but my heart just longs for her not caring what my mind says. It's irrational to be upset by something I planned, but that's what love is. Irrational.

The daily video calls are helpful in letting me see her with her parents as the cuddle her and give her all the love she deserves. It warms my heart and reassures me that she is OK. here is one of the most recent pictures that they have sent.

I've begun doing yoga again and am thoroughly enjoying it. My body craves the nurturing.......

1 comment:

  1. {{{{{HUGS}}}} I know this feeling.... It will get easier