We shipped the milk

Today was the culmination of much planning and preparation. Weeks were spent researching and readying ourselves for this grand shipment to this tiny little person. The package weighed seven times her body weight. The hours spent making decisions seems endless, and now all we can do is wait. Wait and pray that the cooler of liquid gold arrives to it's queen in a solid, frozen state. I have literally prayed and visualized angels carrying this precious cargo swiftly to Australia. The time I have spent pumping, cleaning pump parts and storing milk have been uncountable, but the heart to give to this baby hasn't been near tapped. I couldn't ship all of the milk that I have in my freezer due to weight limits, and that just grates at me every time I see the milk in my freezer and not in the cooler on it's way to be utilized.

I find myself wanting to reflect on Mikayla tonight because of the gravity of the day, but I'm at a place that I have learned how to stay even in emotion. If I don't allow myself to think of her for more than a few seconds at a time, then I don't get to that sad place of longing. Then I wonder, is this selfish preservation of my heart worth the denial of her existence? Sometimes, I want to allow myself to the dwell on my memories and let the tears come just so I can feel close to her and not forget. But, most of the time, I just can't let myself feel that pain now that I have been able to avoid it. So, here's to another night of good sleep and dreaming of Mika receiving a cooler full of FROZEN breast milk from her surro mommy.