Hitting bottom is sometimes a relief

There is peace in honesty, I find. I now feel like I have surrendered and quit hiding from the reality of my state of being and can leg go to move on. In combination with the supplements that I am taking, I have pampered myself in multiple ways. The respect towards myself has also grown, which allows me to lighten up about my expectations of myself. For me, this means that I am not forcing myself to do so much in a day and if certain  things don't get done, so be it. right now, I feel like I need to make ME a priority and just find balance and health between the ears and heart. Just as if I had broken a limb, I wouldn't want to stress it, but give it time to heal, I must also respect the time that this will take.

The other side of bliss (warning: it's not pretty)

I can almost feel it: the cold rain on my cheeks as I sit perched, wrapped in the warm bath, my face resting on the sill just inches from the elements. With no screen to separate me, I can smell the rain and almost feel the jostle of the leaves as it softly beats down to the ground. Like a cleansing shower. I breathe in and feel the presence of God wrapping me in his sweet arms, as a lonely companion in my despair, reminding me that like the rain, this too will pass.

But, will it? Really? Eleven months after the birth of the fifth baby to come from my body, I feel that I am no longer sure who I am and WHAT is next. It's as if my body, my mind, and my spirit are exhausted from the toil of pressing on and I just don't care and more. I don't care about anything....

And here I sit, soaking in my tub wondering where the woman that I thought I was has gone to. My hands grapple and search for a switch to flip the light that will reveal the 'real' me. And it's not there.... it's nowhere.......

God, I pray and plead, bring me comfort! My soul aches and my heart is no more! I know that you are my very real and present God who leads me, but there is nothing left..... It is too much and I am crushed. It's life......This life that you have given me to live........forgive me that I am ungrateful, but it is coming to be the death of me........ Yes, I daily wake and thank you for my blessings and lie down at night, recounting the same. But it is empty and hollow. The only Real that I know is that you are my God and I am yours......you are my father and I need you now........I need your work and your strength to fill me because the struggles have crushed me to the ground. You say that you do not give more than I can bare, but my God, I think you mis-judge!.....SURELY, I am NOT so strong.......... I need you now.

My tears and prayers pour down my cheeks mimicking the outside rain so close to me now.  It's as if I am losing my mind, but yet, it is within reach. I know that I am not right and that I can be. But, how? As I surendure fully and know that I must, I can hear the term; 'postpartum depression' ring in my ears. This disgusting thing that I have avoided speaking for so long is taunting me now as I must wave the white flag. When I look back and try to guess when it began, honestly, it must have been a very real imbalance during the pregnancy that was so tough. I have struggled for so long to accept my decision to be a surrogate in spite of the traumatic affect that the drugs and pregnancy had on my body.....in spite of the traumatic affect that carrying someone else's baby was......in spite of the fact that birthing a baby that I was not emotionally prepared to birth had on my body......in spite of the grueling pain that letting her go was.........and the real healing: it has not come........

As I sit here swirling in a tiny cocoon of warmpth, right in the very bath that this baby was born, I feel only joy and love toward her and her parents. The gift of surrogacy is something that I would be a part of over and over if only I had the strength. It was the most purest of sacrifice and love; a true beauty.

Adding very real life stressors on top of an already turbulent process can bring a catechism of storms.... just as a strech-mark can be a very tangible physical side affect, so too can the hormones and psyche be scared by even the most perfect of circumstance, especially when coupled with other stress. There is no pregnancy immune from postpartum depression......and this is where I am currently sitting; filling my mouth with vitamins and herbs that are said to balance, forcing myself into fresh air and activity, forcing indulgences that USED to bring me joy, all in the hopes of turning the mental, hormonal and chemical weather in my life around.

Stepping out of the comfort of my bath, I can know that I truly AM blessed in my life. I can run to the waiting arms of my husband and loving arms of my ever-present God.......but when will I FEEL this all in my heart?..........we will see.........

It has been a long time

Although it has been ten months now since I gave birth to my surrogate baby, yesterday, I was there again. In full form and glory. Feeling the intensity of the joy, the pain and all of the fullness of what my journey through surrogacy was.

I am honored to have been asked to be doula to my friend and first time surrogate recently. Her IPs are from Seattle and have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of their baby girl. Although they didn't have to wait as long as expected.........the baby's waters broke at 34 weeks. My friend called me and I eagerly dropped my life and went to her side, giving everything I had to be what they all might need. This is something that I do love to do, but man, it is hard. Physically, I mean. Not only did I leave my four children alone for a long time, but standing on my feet 75% of the time and being up all night (actually, 32 hours) was obviously draining.

Where the REAL stress came in was when it triggered my deeper conscious who remembers so intently of how deep, how raw, how joyful and how painful my surrogacy was. As my friend was pushing this baby girl out, the mother stand at the end of the bed, watching and my eyes fixed on her. As her cheeks flushed with pink and eyes welled with tears, the brows pulled tight and she clenched her fists to her chest in sheer joy and expectation of the daughter that she so deeply longed for. It was as if my stomached dropped into my belly and my heart creeped up into my throat. All at once, I was filled with joy and pain and I thought that I should run. I saw my friend hold the baby that she grew for so long cuddle this sweet newborn girl as the baby's parents watched on. I almost felt sick for the impending pain that might be coming (because who's to say that it will be tough for everyone?).

As I observed the new baby now enjoying skin to skin with her natural parents and their sheer joy, I noticed that the professionals had filtered away from my now stable friend and she lay alone with her husband comforting her. Walking up, I felt some of her pain, but also, I felt my own. I saw myself in the airport, bent so painfully over my deer sweet friend and surrogate baby in sling, laying a kiss on her forehead and telling her that I loved here, tears pouring down mine and the mother's face, we embraced. It was as if something so special that I had put in a trunk had been opened again. And I remembered all of the nights that I cried myself to sleep feeling so very alone and knowing that I went through this for my own children. No one will ever fully know or understand.

I stroked the hair of my friend as she lie in a bloody, raw mess, so empty I told her I was proud of her and tears fell from her eyes as she said that it was harder than she thought it would be. Inside, I held my breath and knew that there would be many more tears to come. Tears now pouring down my face, I shakily told her that we could cry together. As I kissed her forehead, I vowed to myself to help her avoid as much of the pain as possible.

While it might have been the intent for me as a doula to help her feel as comfortable as possible, I know more than anyone could that my role now actually begins.......

So excited to write my book

Next week, I am taking a writing vacation and focusing solely on writing my book on surrogacy. I'm very excited to get to have a whole week dedicated to writing. The children will all be gone and I am working this week on getting my house in order so that I can focus on the writing! So, here's to knowing that it will be a tough, sweet, and reflective week ahead as I re-live the story :-)

HAPPY SEVEN MONTHS, SWEET GIRL!

I miss you and think of you often. I share, with pride, that you are a part of my life any chance that I can get!

Can't wait to hold you one day :-)

AND now it's HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY!

Six months ago, I VERY painfully birthed this beautiful, special, wonderful little girl :-) 

I'm not one to call birth painful or traumatic, but hers was, if there is such a thing.....and now, I am convinced that there is. Even though I have had four beautiful home births, and the fourth was the most powerful and lovely event of my life, I now have experienced what some mothers are so afraid of. It feels good to be that honest and real about it...and it took this long. Mika's birth was so difficult and even complicated, I believe, due to my inability to process the dynamics of the surrogacy. I was so afraid to be too 'close', too in love. I was so afraid to be hurt. It took one horrific birth, and four weeks of nursing her to finally let my walls down. And I did. I'm so grateful that I did. The love and beauty that I experienced surpassed any ideals of the beauty of surrogacy that I had entertained previously. Because I let go and loved her, experiencing the fullness of handing over a baby that my heart wanted so fully, I am always going to be richly blessed!

Thank you, my sweet, sweet Mika for gracing my life. I'll love you always!

HAPPY FIVE MONTHS,

I LOVE YOU!

This is a very special Mother's Day for me. I have the deep beauty and love of being a part of making a mama :-)  To see them so in love is a joy that I cannot describe.