Well, I'm still pumping along......

As time goes by and daily I express milk, I am beginning to wonder why. I have almost the amount that I can ship if D&A decide to do another shipment. So, as I become engorged, not wanting to take the time out of my day to pump, I also feel uptight and emotional. The regular release floods me with oxytocin which not only keeps me relaxed, but feeling happy. When I skip or prolong the pumping, it makes me feel unsettled or insecure, like I used to when it was time for my babies to nurse. It's interesting how my body doesn't really know that I'm not literally directly nourishing a baby.

So, I begin to look forward to weaning from this pump with mixed emotions. Part of me knows that it is good for me physically and part of me knows that I could stand to have more time. But, do I really need more time? Taking four to five breaks a day is obviously healthy. But I literally don't do that otherwise. Hmmmm. I also am interested in donating milk, ideally to Haiti, although I have seen recent articles about the difficulty that they are having with milk donations.

My last concern about weaning from the pump is that it is my only tangible connection to the baby that I carried for so long. It is the only real evidence that I have that reminds me of what I've been through. The transition from being solely responsible for the livelihood of an individual to being completely free from them is no easy transition. My mothering and nurturing instincts still want to do their job, even if my conscious mind thinks otherwise.

So, here's to putting this tired and almost 10 weeks postpartum not-new, but new mommy to bed.