It has been a long time

Although it has been ten months now since I gave birth to my surrogate baby, yesterday, I was there again. In full form and glory. Feeling the intensity of the joy, the pain and all of the fullness of what my journey through surrogacy was.

I am honored to have been asked to be doula to my friend and first time surrogate recently. Her IPs are from Seattle and have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of their baby girl. Although they didn't have to wait as long as expected.........the baby's waters broke at 34 weeks. My friend called me and I eagerly dropped my life and went to her side, giving everything I had to be what they all might need. This is something that I do love to do, but man, it is hard. Physically, I mean. Not only did I leave my four children alone for a long time, but standing on my feet 75% of the time and being up all night (actually, 32 hours) was obviously draining.

Where the REAL stress came in was when it triggered my deeper conscious who remembers so intently of how deep, how raw, how joyful and how painful my surrogacy was. As my friend was pushing this baby girl out, the mother stand at the end of the bed, watching and my eyes fixed on her. As her cheeks flushed with pink and eyes welled with tears, the brows pulled tight and she clenched her fists to her chest in sheer joy and expectation of the daughter that she so deeply longed for. It was as if my stomached dropped into my belly and my heart creeped up into my throat. All at once, I was filled with joy and pain and I thought that I should run. I saw my friend hold the baby that she grew for so long cuddle this sweet newborn girl as the baby's parents watched on. I almost felt sick for the impending pain that might be coming (because who's to say that it will be tough for everyone?).

As I observed the new baby now enjoying skin to skin with her natural parents and their sheer joy, I noticed that the professionals had filtered away from my now stable friend and she lay alone with her husband comforting her. Walking up, I felt some of her pain, but also, I felt my own. I saw myself in the airport, bent so painfully over my deer sweet friend and surrogate baby in sling, laying a kiss on her forehead and telling her that I loved here, tears pouring down mine and the mother's face, we embraced. It was as if something so special that I had put in a trunk had been opened again. And I remembered all of the nights that I cried myself to sleep feeling so very alone and knowing that I went through this for my own children. No one will ever fully know or understand.

I stroked the hair of my friend as she lie in a bloody, raw mess, so empty I told her I was proud of her and tears fell from her eyes as she said that it was harder than she thought it would be. Inside, I held my breath and knew that there would be many more tears to come. Tears now pouring down my face, I shakily told her that we could cry together. As I kissed her forehead, I vowed to myself to help her avoid as much of the pain as possible.

While it might have been the intent for me as a doula to help her feel as comfortable as possible, I know more than anyone could that my role now actually begins.......

So excited to write my book

Next week, I am taking a writing vacation and focusing solely on writing my book on surrogacy. I'm very excited to get to have a whole week dedicated to writing. The children will all be gone and I am working this week on getting my house in order so that I can focus on the writing! So, here's to knowing that it will be a tough, sweet, and reflective week ahead as I re-live the story :-)

HAPPY SEVEN MONTHS, SWEET GIRL!

I miss you and think of you often. I share, with pride, that you are a part of my life any chance that I can get!

Can't wait to hold you one day :-)

AND now it's HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY!

Six months ago, I VERY painfully birthed this beautiful, special, wonderful little girl :-) 

I'm not one to call birth painful or traumatic, but hers was, if there is such a thing.....and now, I am convinced that there is. Even though I have had four beautiful home births, and the fourth was the most powerful and lovely event of my life, I now have experienced what some mothers are so afraid of. It feels good to be that honest and real about it...and it took this long. Mika's birth was so difficult and even complicated, I believe, due to my inability to process the dynamics of the surrogacy. I was so afraid to be too 'close', too in love. I was so afraid to be hurt. It took one horrific birth, and four weeks of nursing her to finally let my walls down. And I did. I'm so grateful that I did. The love and beauty that I experienced surpassed any ideals of the beauty of surrogacy that I had entertained previously. Because I let go and loved her, experiencing the fullness of handing over a baby that my heart wanted so fully, I am always going to be richly blessed!

Thank you, my sweet, sweet Mika for gracing my life. I'll love you always!

HAPPY FIVE MONTHS,

I LOVE YOU!

This is a very special Mother's Day for me. I have the deep beauty and love of being a part of making a mama :-)  To see them so in love is a joy that I cannot describe.

Look at the family grow!

And, yes, Mikayla will have curly hair. Beautiful curls :-)

It will never be over

As I sit here, I have no milk and have not pumped for days. I sent the last cooler full of frozen breast milk to my sweet little Mika a few days ago and although I should be overwhelmed with a feeling of closure, I am not. I feel I will never really be. It is FOUR months. Four long months. There is a level of continuation that I have never known. While there is no real need for a connection, on a physiological level, it is there, for us all even. I feel such a deep level of love and connection to my surrogate baby that it honestly surprises me. I thought that I would end up at this point with a real 'wow, I did a good thing', kind of feeling, but in reality, I still feel so amazed, full of love and totally raw, that I don't think it will ever be a small issue. I will always know that I am one amazing woman and I was blessed to be part of one amazing journey and I am head over heals in love with one individual that is not my child.

When I see her face on my screen (as she is always the desktop), I long to grab her and pull her in to me. I long to bring her in to my nest and make her my own. Yet, I am thrilled that she is in the arms of two people that I love so much. Not only did we have the benefit of growing close through growing their baby, but mom and dad's love of their daughter makes me love them even more. For whoever loves what I love, is loved indeed by me..... :-) While time has healed some of the raw edges, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and the slightest of effort brings tears of sadness and longing, or gleams of pride and love in my eyes.

Hmmm. This whole other world that it is......surrogacy.......it's not what I expected. It's so, so much more.

And I go to sleep tonight, thinking again, of sweet little tender baby cuddled up to me and her warm breath on my tender skin. I love you, My Sweet........ I always will.